Ok so I imagine so many women and men are absolutely screaming at the screen wondering what the hell my problem is – am I some religious bashing loony, or ultra-conservative, prudish wench from yesteryear – but honestly I don’t fit any of those titles, I’m just a normal woman who’s played the role of a modern, openminded woman, who is very sensual and dealt with all the heartbreak that life can bring with it…until I tried the 90 day rule.
So why do I say the 90-day rule is the best way to find love and cut out the rest of the rubbish if you’re actually looking for something serious with the chance to blossom into long-lasting love, whether you’re a woman or man? That’s simple, it’s practical and common sense.
Firstly, we live in a society that has increasingly produced more narcissistic people, a reported increase of about 30% in the last 10 years – men and women, possibly more, so much so the 5 date rule is obsolete, anyone can make it to the 5 dates.
Traits of a narcissistic person include being very charismatic and charming, well presented – always done up, they get bored easily, usually hate the opposite sex and have no empathy.
Translated they are attractive, always looking good, good at making you feel good until they get whatever they are after, then when they get bored they will leave or stay with a possibility of abuse including violence – this goes for men too. In the last few years, men have made up about 45% of all reported domestic violence cases in the UK.
Secondly, 90 days (3 months) may sound long but think of it this way it gives you both time to really work out if you like each other before sex comes into play. Face it, lust can blind the best of us. Intimacy is important but the only real way to achieve that is by taking your time to really get to know each other. Many women that I know don’t actually feel ready for sex before getting to know someone well which is about 90 days but feel bullied by modern-day views of dating requiring them to move quickly.
There’s a psychological element to this too – I know so many, women especially, may say that they are ok with the more modern outlook on dating but it can also be heartbreaking for others. Many men and women find themselves dating a string of partners trying to find the one, only to end up feeling used and deflated when these short-term flings end. This can affect our self-esteem and confidence thinking if we don’t have sex then no one will want us, or ‘what’s wrong with me’.
It can also force some people to put on a front, pretending they’re ok when they end up in a one night stand or a short fling when actually they aren’t.
Thirdly, safety is an issue. With no end to the amount of dating sites and apps, there’s no issue in meeting people. However, there has been a rise in the number of sexual assaults being reported by users. It makes sense; when a new way to meet people comes out, abusers will also use them to prey on victims.
This can make dating a daunting prospect for many of us and the reason I swear by the 90 rule.
In a society where sex is so much easier to get, love is definitely getting harder to find so you need all the tools you can get to help navigate the world of sexual encounters and one night stands, no matter what age you are.
I first heard about the 90-day rule from a funny man Steve Harvey in his book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. He talked about how men fish for two reasons – sports fishing and keepers. Basically, if you’re putting it out there in the way you dress and how quickly you’re willing to have sex then men see you as a sports fish -easy. If you abide by the 90-day rule (and dress for the role) you’ve moved into the keeper category – more desirable for someone looking for love.
Here was this man telling me what I wished my mum or dad had told me – sex and intimacy is a benefit – any company, organisation or government wouldn’t give a benefit without a probationary period so why the hell do we?
Until that point I still made mistakes – well should I say played the modern woman game, thinking its ok, you can meet a person and move quickly – it’s passionate -actually its a joke and just see millions of men and women going around on the carousel of dating.
Long-term relationships can still have the hallmarks of a bad relationship – possessive, controlling, violent and abusive. These relationships can really be harmful, not just the because of the chance of violence but they can be emotionally draining in every way spread out over a longer period of time, but the longer you take in the dating stage means it is easier to spot the negative behaviours and you have more of a chance to avoid these types of relationships.
So how do we know if the 90-day rule is working?
When you’re dating someone for three months you have a great chance to really get to know them, the good and bad without sex making it messy. Its enough time to workout if you’re both compatible, share the same views and beliefs or at least tolerate their views, and find out if you even like each other.
It will definitely give you enough time to work out just how nice and nasty they are, and whether you can put up with that. It’s usually enough time to see their temperament and see how they treat you.
Fourthly, and my favourite reason is it sorts out the time wasters. There’s no way a time waster will hang around for 3 months – they might if you let them get away with just calling or texting you every so often, but a real effort will mean seeing each other every few days, doing things together and both of you taking each other out, yes ladies get your purses out.
Well, to start, how are they treating you? have they earned the benefits you’re about to reward them with, do they deserve you? The type of person you want is the one that firstly has stuck around even after you let them know about the 90-day rule – also the 90-day rule allows you to know that the other person is serious whether a man or woman.
You know it’s going well when you know the person won’t leave you hanging when you need them i.e. if you break down in your car, or if you’ve missed the last train they won’t tell you to deal with it yourself. They won’t walk away when the going gets tough, they try in every way to make you happy and vice versa.
They are proud to take you out and introduce you to friends and family as their girlfriend/boyfriend/partner.
Gifts are NOT a sign of a great partner, spending time is the real way a person can show you that you’re important enough – that includes spending money on the other person, if they aren’t happy unless you’re spending money, or they refuse to pay for meals and days out too, then ask yourself seriously, are they for you, will things ever change.
If there is a problem or things you really don’t like (a real deal-breaker) then walk away; we cannot change a person. I have been out with guys and I’m thinking ‘it’s ok, I can change him’. Well, you can’t. Only they can change themselves, whether a mummy’s boy or ladies man. Being with you may be a catalyst for change but the action of change will only come from them, not ultimatums or even by your patience.
If you stick to these simple rules then love will be yours. You will find someone worthy of your time and love. so, ladies and gentlemen, I do recommend reading Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man. The basic philosophy is transferable and can be applied to both women and men.
Be confident that a change to the way we date can lead to happiness and a less daunting experience of dating – I know I’ve walked away from some gorgeous men that I’ve dated after a month because I couldn’t stand them – more than 5 dates, less than 90 days. No sex, no intimacy, no problem or feelings of upset that I’ve slept with someone and it didn’t pay off. So if you’re unhappy and want to find love give it a go.