- Climb onto your neighbour’s roof and dangle a fish on a bit of string in front of his windows. He’ll think his house is underwater.
- Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate. – Mr. TLM 652Y
- Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. –
- When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
- A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
- Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they`re always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc `tastes exactly like the real thing`, they won`t know any difference.
- Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you`d no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
- Bomb disposal experts’ wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
- Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to ‘fast wipe’ whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
- Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
- Old telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don’t know.
- Bus drivers. Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
- Save petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you’ve broken down and help.
- Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
- Dyslexics. Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
- Cow Resigns from Position of India’s Holiest Animal
- North Korea Detonates Nuclear Weapon To Take Spotlight Away From Pope’s Retirement
- Starbucks Barista Recovering In Hospital After Customer Orders Plain Decaf
- European Food Safety Agency Assures Consumers Horsemeat Probably Came From Dead Horses
- Minority Group Upset Because They Were Omitted From The NRA’s -National Rifle Association- Enemies List
- Smoking During Pregnancy Helps Mothers See Their Babies Sooner
- Young, Starry-Eyed Immigrant Dreams of One Day Being Killed by Drone as Full-Fledged U.S. Citizen
- Train Delay Prolongs Suicidal Man’s Life Four More Agonizing Hours
- Iran Paints Clouds On New Fighter Jets To Make Them ‘Stealth’
- Starving African Child Becomes Starving African Teenager, Loses Humanitarian Aid
- Pope Questions Faith Following God’s Continued Failure to Smite Chris Brown
- Egyptians Protest Against Ongoing Protests
- Iran Successfully Stones Monkey To Death In Space
- China Abandoning One-Child Policy Gives Hope To 2nd And 3rd Child Hiding In Secret Room
- President Obama Lip-Syncs His Inaugural Address
- Taliban Killed By Prince Harry Teased By Friends In Hell
- Lars Armstrong Says He Regrets Being Discovered For Using Performance-Enhancing Drugs
- Mexican Veteran Gang Member Celebrates His Seventh Day in Business
- Guantanamo Investigators To Wear Party Hats For Eleventh Anniversary During Torture
- Discovery of Majestic Aquatic Species Prompts Worldwide Race to Kill It First
- Chinese Government Bans Breathing During High Pollution
- Mural Of Hugo Chavez Ready To Take Over Leadership Of Venezuela
- Pakistan To Introduce Tighter Controls On Bomb Blasts In Public Places
- Saudis Outraged Because Beheading Taking ‘Way Too Long’
- Third World Countries Petition UN To Fill Empty Second World Slot
- Jenna Higgins, $2 Million Lottery Winner, Asks To Remain Anonymous
- Aztec Prediction That Mayans Would Be Wrong About The End Of The World Comes True
- Study Shows End Of World Probably For The Best
- North Korean Rocket Says Leaving North Korea Is The Best Thing That Ever Happened To It
- Drone Pilot Ejects From Office Chair
- Movie Critics Slam New Taliban Terrorist Video
- New Facebook Game Lets You Shoot People Who Send You Game Invites
- Soap Opera Producers Impressed With Obama’s Ability To Spontaneously Burst Into Tears
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